bass-boosted whitney houston intensifies in the distance;

[doggish]

Comments

[doggish]

I am not confused you idiotic overpriced

Instagram

Instagram

I N S T A G R A M

[illithidnapped]

[If Astarion pays for this in retribution for the rest of his damned life, it'll have been worth it. Oh gods, he's in a fit in the middle of the commons; someone's going to think he's drunk, laughing this hard without another soul in sight.]

You have successfully logged in to INSTAGRAM. Welcome Astarion. What would you like to do?

For a list of commands, say: please help, I don't know how to operate a phone.

1/?

[doggish]

[doggish]

[doggish]

[doggish]

[doggish]

Done :3

[doggish]

ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE

[illithidnapped]

[Ahah— ! Found out at last.]

Oh sweetheart, don't be cross with me. I've had such a long day and this was the first thing that's brought a smile to my face all morning. ♡

[Which is true, yes, but also is the texted equivalent of rolling over and showing his belly for being caught red-handed.

Hi. Hello darling. Adore you. Just look how precious I am.]

[doggish]

I am not cross.

[doggish]

[You.]

We surpassed cross a long time ago. We surpassed cross within the first three seconds of your little joke. Cross was what you aspired towards with your first text message on this overpriced, pathetic piece of technology that is VASTLY more trouble than it's worth.

3/3

[doggish]

Try instead livid, which you earned around the time I dropped you off and discovered you, in all your boredom and clever foresight, posted pictures of us where anyone might see— were you still drunk?

Are you drunk right now?

Are you high?

1/2

[illithidnapped]

Please. No one in my family's circle is going to see them- have you ever even watched the way they use the maginet? It's embarrassing. Like they've never touched a keyboard in their life. And my brother damned well hasn't.

It's fine, you worry too much.

2/2

[illithidnapped]

And excuse you I have the decency to know how to comport myself whilst hard at work: I'm neither drunk NOR high.













anymore.

[doggish]

Every single day you manage to make me lose a little more faith in our failed justice system.

[doggish]

SIX HUNDRED people have "liked" it already. You cannot tell me none of them are related to you or won't gossip. You are not just playing with fire, you are actively spreading oil around; I have been avoiding your father all day lest he have already gotten some copy of it.

3/3

[doggish]

And do not think I have forgotten your little joke; we will get to that. For that alone you're in trouble, but I have my priorities in order.

1/2

[illithidnapped]

Six hundred or six thousand won't make a difference. It isn't actually instagram, after all: it's only used by people my age, and you not being able to tell the difference is proof of that already, old man.

If you need more convincing, scroll back through that feed I added you to. There are some very risque gems in there that I took before we met.

2/2

[illithidnapped]

but quick question before we move on: do those priorities include an apology handjob?

[doggish]

[He has, in fact, looked over those photographs. He's looked over them several times, though he hasn't dared save them to his phone (for he isn't foolish enough to be caught that way, one, and two, he isn't fully certain Astarion won't get a notification someone's taken a screenshot, and his wayward charge has more than enough ego already). And he's looking over those photos once more now, though his scowl returns in full force as Astarion texts him back.]

Do you truly imagine this can be solved with a handjob and a false apology? Little magistrate, the punishment doesn't begin to fit the crime. Though rest assured I have something planned already.

[doggish]

I'm taking your phone away for a week, to begin with.

[Old man indeed.]

3/3

[doggish]

Now tell me what you mean when you say it isn't Instagram. It is. You set up my account yourself.

[He has no profile picture and literally two followers, because Petras thinks he might catch Fenris uploading something he shouldn't.]

And that doesn't mean someone won't use those photos against you— especially if they're your age.

[illithidnapped]

[Well now Astarion's excited— about the punishment, that is. Not the taking-away-his-phone thing.

But surely that's just hyperbolic.]

It's the maginet, my love. Emphasis on magi-ck. Crafty souls like us have ways of skirting any rigorous attempts at monitoring by our much more distracted progenitors.

In other words, we use a secondary app that taps into an alternate plane of reality where we don't exist, so that we can safely register completely separate accounts under our real names without anyone being the wiser-

unless you've also been added on said app and know exactly what to look for, like I did for you.

[It's a simple as 1....2....hackingintothemultiverseonaharmlessscale.]

And no, I'm not pulling your leg this time. What I did before, I couldn't help. Not when you were being so cute.

Cross my heart, this is actually how it works.

[doggish]

[He squints down at his phone. It sounds reasonable enough— or at least, he's heard enough talk from Danarius and his ilk to know that such a thing is perfectly feasible. But still . . .]

Delete them anyway.

It's still a risk. I do not trust six hundred people to be able to keep their mouths shut. I barely trust your six friends to keep their mouths shut, though they have admittedly done a somewhat decent job thusfar. But you were not subtle in any of those photographs.

It's up to a thousand likes now, Astarion.

[. . .]

And I was not cute. You were being a nuisance, do not play it off. I'm still taking your phone.

when I realize sleepy me went accidentally all italics

[illithidnapped]

It should have more. You looked exceedingly handsome all wrapped up in liquor and dreams